I saw a look of resignation on my friend’s face as she said, “I don’t think I’m cut out to be a step mother.” There was a combination of sadness, frustration and resignation. She’d been married to her new husband for almost two years. The struggles started before their marriage, as it usually does when two people, with children from previous marriages decide to “blend families.” After all this time she saw no end in sight.

My friend has two daughters from her previous marriage. Her new husband has two daughters from his previous marriage…and a former wife who appeared to be determined to make things difficult. My friend has a former husband who lives out of state with his new family.

The four girls were all close in age and could possibly have been friends if they met at school, weren’t step siblings and didn’t have parents pulling at them.

Often, we the parents just need to get out of the way. Blended family issues can be resolved sooner and without causing added pain to the children if we allow space and time to work things out. I know from my own first hand meddling. I’ve detailed in my book, “You Used To Live In My House.”

My kids…back when they were kids, when my wife Louisa and I were newlyweds, didn’t need a new mom. Their mother was alive and well. Louisa didn’t want to be their mom. She knew her role and would have been happy to be a step mother. We all moved from Virginia to Colorado together so I thought she should be their new mom. All this while my kids really hadn’t given up hope that their mother and I might some how reconcile. We’d been apart for four years by then and each of the adults knew that wasn’t going to happen.

While I was living in Colorado my kids return to Virginia and to their mother,

I didn’t know what she was saying to them, about me. I didn’t learn that until three years later when they moved to Colorado. By then new roles weren’t so new and were accepted pretty easily. All the while, I knew that Louisa never criticized her sons’ father, even though he’d been virtually absent from their lives for several years.

Eleven years later Louisa received a Happy Step Mom Day card from Kelly on Mother’s Day. All of the ‘kids’ openly express their love for each of us these days, and have for some time. They all get along well with each other.

I can speak for myself and I believe it applies to many step parents, we are so determined that everyone will get a long and like each other immediately, that we make things more difficult than they need to be. Affection and assimilation cannot be forced upon our children. They have to find their own way and all we have to do is get out of the way.

Kids are resilient. I’ll over simplify it with an example of how they overcome the tales of an Easter Bunny and Santa Claus at very impressionable ages. If and when they see the new step parents showing affection and compromise it will be easier for them to move forward with their own feelings.

A friend of ours, Donna Lopez, provided the following testimonial to my book:

“After reading the book, “You Used To Live In My House” I began to think differently of blended families. I realized that it took much more love and faith and work that I ever imagined to sustain one household. I began to appreciate all those families around me that I once took for granted. This book allows us to see this family with such truth and pain and laughter! A recommended read!”

Obviously that’s flattering and I appreciate Donna’s comments. Her comments remain timely.

Don’t look now, but there are increasing numbers of blended families on the horizon. As more couples split and often after a child or two, the newly freed up mom or dad hooks up with that new ‘soul mate.’ Bingo, there’s a new family and the new spouse may even have children of their own from a previous relationship.

How do I know? I’m reminded of a question I was asked when I spoke to a Rotary Club not long ago. “What prepared you to write your book?” My answer: “I lived it.”

Back in the day, circa 1981, I met Louisa H. Harrison. She’s been Louisa H. Coons since June 18, 1983 and on that day, my three children and her two children, blended into this new family. Oh, by the way…on the fateful day, they were ages 8, 9, 10, 11 and 12.

We’re all the better for it now. And if you read through what I call ‘Tales of the dark side’ (AKA “You Used To Live In My House”) you’ll eventually get to the happiness we enjoy today. Being in a blended family doesn’t have to make any or all of the participants crazy. I’ve only scratched the surface of how I, and sometimes we, went about it the wrong way. If you get to know us we should give you hope.

R. Perry Coons
http://www.youusedtoliveinmyhouse.com

R. Perry Coons has thrown the door wide open with his narrative of the first 25 years of his relationship journey with his wife and family. He says, “If you get to know us, we should give you hope.”

His background is varied, as witnessed by the many personal and professional experiences he shares with his readers…husband, father, grandfather, runner and former radio dj, award winning shopping center marketing director, special events coordinator, entertainment manager, Realtor and self-described coffee achiever. He holds a copyright on a manuscript titled “Surrel Estate” and is working on a novel about a radio dj in the late 60′s. His working title is “Record Player.” Perry lives in Denver, Colorado with his wife Lousia and their Australian Cattle Dog.

A marriage relationship is probably on of the most important relationships in life. This is because through it, you can establish so much including new generations of society. A lot of emphasis has been put on the importance of marriage but, more and more couple are choosing to end their marital bliss. There are so many divorce cases worldwide. In the western world, more than half of marriages will end in separation or divorce. With these alarming statistics, it is vital to ensure that you realize the problem and get the right weapon to fight. Marriage is worth fighting for and, it will require commitment from both partners. One of the biggest problems that a marriage relationship can have is post-honey moon slump. Marriage is made of phases and, you are most happy during your honeymoon period and a short time after that. A period where you get to know the real character of your spouse is when the ordinary becomes a reality. Many couples start to regress.

People who used to talk to each other may begin to stay silent; their sexual life might not be exciting anymore and many other things. To avoid this slump in a marriage relationship, the following advice will suit you just right. The first thing is to avoid prolonged periods of anger. Christians will tell you that the bible says that you can get angry but avoid sin. In other words, it is human to get angry but, your reaction during your anger matters a lot. If you choose to give your partner the silent treatment, it can go on forever especially if your partner is also angry. Anger kills the mood and it can certainly destroy a marriage. Try compromise and even forgiveness. The truth is, most couples will do things that are not acceptable to their partners and, this shows that they are not perfect. If you are both willing to make your marriage work, you can easily do this by being patient, forgiving and understanding of each other.

The other thing that will help you avoid the slump in your marriage relationship is having the will never to withhold sex from your partner. If you want your man to be distant from you, try withholding sex. This does not only apply to men but also to women. Many couples punish each other this way but, in the end, they end up making things even worse. This does not mean that you need to overlook what your partner did wrong. If he or she is apologetic, give them a chance and be mature about it. Your bond will only grow as you make your every day experience worthwhile. Another tip that helps couples a lot is keeping away from activities that may draw you further from your spouse. The more people spend time apart both physically and emotionally, the more they are prone to focusing on other things that may not be of help to the relationship. Therefore, when you have free weekends, do not spend all your time watching football or at a church group, show your partner you care enough to sacrifice time to be companions of each other. Marriage has the potential to be a great haven for joy and happiness.

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