I saw a look of resignation on my friend’s face as she said, “I don’t think I’m cut out to be a step mother.” There was a combination of sadness, frustration and resignation. She’d been married to her new husband for almost two years. The struggles started before their marriage, as it usually does when two people, with children from previous marriages decide to “blend families.” After all this time she saw no end in sight.

My friend has two daughters from her previous marriage. Her new husband has two daughters from his previous marriage…and a former wife who appeared to be determined to make things difficult. My friend has a former husband who lives out of state with his new family.

The four girls were all close in age and could possibly have been friends if they met at school, weren’t step siblings and didn’t have parents pulling at them.

Often, we the parents just need to get out of the way. Blended family issues can be resolved sooner and without causing added pain to the children if we allow space and time to work things out. I know from my own first hand meddling. I’ve detailed in my book, “You Used To Live In My House.”

My kids…back when they were kids, when my wife Louisa and I were newlyweds, didn’t need a new mom. Their mother was alive and well. Louisa didn’t want to be their mom. She knew her role and would have been happy to be a step mother. We all moved from Virginia to Colorado together so I thought she should be their new mom. All this while my kids really hadn’t given up hope that their mother and I might some how reconcile. We’d been apart for four years by then and each of the adults knew that wasn’t going to happen.

While I was living in Colorado my kids return to Virginia and to their mother,

I didn’t know what she was saying to them, about me. I didn’t learn that until three years later when they moved to Colorado. By then new roles weren’t so new and were accepted pretty easily. All the while, I knew that Louisa never criticized her sons’ father, even though he’d been virtually absent from their lives for several years.

Eleven years later Louisa received a Happy Step Mom Day card from Kelly on Mother’s Day. All of the ‘kids’ openly express their love for each of us these days, and have for some time. They all get along well with each other.

I can speak for myself and I believe it applies to many step parents, we are so determined that everyone will get a long and like each other immediately, that we make things more difficult than they need to be. Affection and assimilation cannot be forced upon our children. They have to find their own way and all we have to do is get out of the way.

Kids are resilient. I’ll over simplify it with an example of how they overcome the tales of an Easter Bunny and Santa Claus at very impressionable ages. If and when they see the new step parents showing affection and compromise it will be easier for them to move forward with their own feelings.

A friend of ours, Donna Lopez, provided the following testimonial to my book:

“After reading the book, “You Used To Live In My House” I began to think differently of blended families. I realized that it took much more love and faith and work that I ever imagined to sustain one household. I began to appreciate all those families around me that I once took for granted. This book allows us to see this family with such truth and pain and laughter! A recommended read!”

Obviously that’s flattering and I appreciate Donna’s comments. Her comments remain timely.

Don’t look now, but there are increasing numbers of blended families on the horizon. As more couples split and often after a child or two, the newly freed up mom or dad hooks up with that new ‘soul mate.’ Bingo, there’s a new family and the new spouse may even have children of their own from a previous relationship.

How do I know? I’m reminded of a question I was asked when I spoke to a Rotary Club not long ago. “What prepared you to write your book?” My answer: “I lived it.”

Back in the day, circa 1981, I met Louisa H. Harrison. She’s been Louisa H. Coons since June 18, 1983 and on that day, my three children and her two children, blended into this new family. Oh, by the way…on the fateful day, they were ages 8, 9, 10, 11 and 12.

We’re all the better for it now. And if you read through what I call ‘Tales of the dark side’ (AKA “You Used To Live In My House”) you’ll eventually get to the happiness we enjoy today. Being in a blended family doesn’t have to make any or all of the participants crazy. I’ve only scratched the surface of how I, and sometimes we, went about it the wrong way. If you get to know us we should give you hope.

R. Perry Coons
http://www.youusedtoliveinmyhouse.com

R. Perry Coons has thrown the door wide open with his narrative of the first 25 years of his relationship journey with his wife and family. He says, “If you get to know us, we should give you hope.”

His background is varied, as witnessed by the many personal and professional experiences he shares with his readers…husband, father, grandfather, runner and former radio dj, award winning shopping center marketing director, special events coordinator, entertainment manager, Realtor and self-described coffee achiever. He holds a copyright on a manuscript titled “Surrel Estate” and is working on a novel about a radio dj in the late 60′s. His working title is “Record Player.” Perry lives in Denver, Colorado with his wife Lousia and their Australian Cattle Dog.

A lot of the time when you hear of someone getting divorced, they have an attorney – it’s really not necessary. The reason most people get an attorney is to ensure that they are protected and that the divorce is going to be fair for them as well as their spouse. However, attorneys are expensive and if you can avoid hiring one, you can save thousands of dollars. Here are some tips on how to get a divorce without hiring an attorney.
 
Do It Yourself
 
You can easily file for divorce on your own without the aid of an attorney. It’s as easy as filling out the necessary forms. You can obtain forms from your local civil court division. Just make sure you have the correct forms for your state so you won’t experience any problems or delays with your divorce proceedings. Another thing you want to check on is the filing fees. Although they are pretty inexpensive, you want to be prepared so that things go smoothly when you go to file your papers.
 
Have a Paralegal Draft Up the Forms for You 
 
Another great way to get a divorce without an attorney is to hire a paralegal or legal assistant to draft up the forms for you. This is a great option if you feel uncomfortable filling out and filing the forms yourself. He or she can ensure that you’ve covered everything and make the chances of a problem or hitch very low. You can ask friends for a recommendation or check your local phone book. If you use the latter method, call around and make sure you’re comfortable with the paralegal before you hire them to work for you. Also, keep in mind that the person you’re hiring isn’t able to render legal advice as this requires specific legal training.

Seek a Mediator
 
Mediation is another option for those who don’t want to hire an attorney. With mediation, you and your spouse are able to calmly and effectively decide who gets what and how the division of property and assets will work. Because you will need a trained mediator to help you sort things out, even the most bitter and hostile of spouses can work together to come up with a solution that will work for both parties. You won’t need a lawyer and you can avoid the circus of courtroom litigation. An added bonus is the fact that you decide where your stuff goes rather than some judge who knows very little about you and your situation. Mediation is a great way to get divorced without an attorney.
 
By using these methods, you are able to seek a divorce without the help of an attorney. Not only can this save you thousands of dollars but you have the potential of saving yourself a lot of heartache as well. Good luck.

If you’re considering low cost divorce or simply need some answers, visit http://www.xstilla.com today. We are a FREE resource site for people who are contemplating, considering or recovering from divorce. Visit our large database of articles and resources or post a message on our interactive forum. Either way, visit http://www.xstilla.com today and find the divorce assistance you need to secure a low cost divorce that won’t break your pocketbook or spirit.