What should you do if your wife wants out of your marriage? When a woman first seriously considers divorce she doesn’t arrive at this state of desperation by a process of calm deduction. She is simply reacting to the feeling that she “can’t take it anymore.” Sometimes your wife’s decision to leave you may be her way of trying to make you change, but more often it is a desperate effort to survive. She cannot endure anymore heartache, so she has reached out for the separation (or divorce) like a drowning man reaching out for a life jacket. How did this come about? Often it is due to the husband’s negligence in hurting their wives.

How Husbands Injure Their Wives

How may you as a husband inadvertently hurt your wife? Obviously it is when you do not love her as you should. This is shown in the following ways:

1. Not appreciating or acknowledging her.

2. Comparing her with other women

3. Taking her for granted (“Oh, never mind…she will understand” or “…I’m sure she won’t mind”)

4. Having to be right all the time

5. Making her feel vulnerable, alone or isolated, for example by not helping out at home or not standing up for her.

6. Destroying her self-esteem through harsh or rude words and actions that demean her.

7. Not paying enough attention to her, for example by giving more time and focus on someone or something else other than her.

8. Having intimate friendships with a member(s) of the opposite sex (it may or may not involve having an affair).

9. Being too demanding on her, for example by insisting that she be almost totally subservient to your every wish

10. Not taking the trouble to understand her.

Your wife’s main source of security or comfort is you, her husband. When you do any of the above things (or other similar ones), her sense of security and self-worth are severely threatened. The problem is most wives feel that they have communicated their hurt to their husbands but most husbands have not realized it. She felt like she was trying to get you to understand but you thought she was just being emotional or overreacting. My experience is that most women leave their husbands because they expected to feel loved, protected and cherished but their husbands unwittingly have sent the message that they are not. If this happens repeatedly over a long period of time, your wife will very likely walk out on you. In such a situation, how can we bring about reconciliation?

The Path to Reconciliation

Firstly, do not make excuses for your actions or words that have hurt her. It’s pointless to try to make her understand you. Simply acknowledge them and ask for her forgiveness. I know that it takes two to tango, meaning that she also probably contributed in some way to how you acted. But now is not the time to blame her. You have to ignore her faults for now. Be a man and take responsibility for your own mistakes, own up to it and humble yourself by sincerely apologizing. This will go a long way in softening her hardened heart.

Secondly, listen to her without correcting her. She doesn’t have to be proved right or shown to be wrong. Do not try to talk her out of her feelings or belittle her emotions and behavior. This will only make her more hurt and angry.

Thirdly, understand her hurt condition. Do so by empathizing with her. She just wants you to understand her feelings. Relay her feelings back to her. Comfort her and let her know you understand how she feels.

Fourthly, assure her of your commitment to her. Change whatever is wrong with your attitudes, actions or words. As her husband you have the responsibility to restore her sense of self-esteem, security, confidence and trust in you.

Lastly, put into action your commitments to her. What you have said you will do, make sure you actually do it.

Conclusion

I have always maintained that it is the husband who should primarily be responsible for ensuring a successful marriage relationship. Therefore if anything is wrong with your marriage, you as the husband must be pro-active in setting things right. Only by doing so will you be able to save your marriage.

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