I saw a look of resignation on my friend’s face as she said, “I don’t think I’m cut out to be a step mother.” There was a combination of sadness, frustration and resignation. She’d been married to her new husband for almost two years. The struggles started before their marriage, as it usually does when two people, with children from previous marriages decide to “blend families.” After all this time she saw no end in sight.

My friend has two daughters from her previous marriage. Her new husband has two daughters from his previous marriage…and a former wife who appeared to be determined to make things difficult. My friend has a former husband who lives out of state with his new family.

The four girls were all close in age and could possibly have been friends if they met at school, weren’t step siblings and didn’t have parents pulling at them.

Often, we the parents just need to get out of the way. Blended family issues can be resolved sooner and without causing added pain to the children if we allow space and time to work things out. I know from my own first hand meddling. I’ve detailed in my book, “You Used To Live In My House.”

My kids…back when they were kids, when my wife Louisa and I were newlyweds, didn’t need a new mom. Their mother was alive and well. Louisa didn’t want to be their mom. She knew her role and would have been happy to be a step mother. We all moved from Virginia to Colorado together so I thought she should be their new mom. All this while my kids really hadn’t given up hope that their mother and I might some how reconcile. We’d been apart for four years by then and each of the adults knew that wasn’t going to happen.

While I was living in Colorado my kids return to Virginia and to their mother,

I didn’t know what she was saying to them, about me. I didn’t learn that until three years later when they moved to Colorado. By then new roles weren’t so new and were accepted pretty easily. All the while, I knew that Louisa never criticized her sons’ father, even though he’d been virtually absent from their lives for several years.

Eleven years later Louisa received a Happy Step Mom Day card from Kelly on Mother’s Day. All of the ‘kids’ openly express their love for each of us these days, and have for some time. They all get along well with each other.

I can speak for myself and I believe it applies to many step parents, we are so determined that everyone will get a long and like each other immediately, that we make things more difficult than they need to be. Affection and assimilation cannot be forced upon our children. They have to find their own way and all we have to do is get out of the way.

Kids are resilient. I’ll over simplify it with an example of how they overcome the tales of an Easter Bunny and Santa Claus at very impressionable ages. If and when they see the new step parents showing affection and compromise it will be easier for them to move forward with their own feelings.

A friend of ours, Donna Lopez, provided the following testimonial to my book:

“After reading the book, “You Used To Live In My House” I began to think differently of blended families. I realized that it took much more love and faith and work that I ever imagined to sustain one household. I began to appreciate all those families around me that I once took for granted. This book allows us to see this family with such truth and pain and laughter! A recommended read!”

Obviously that’s flattering and I appreciate Donna’s comments. Her comments remain timely.

Don’t look now, but there are increasing numbers of blended families on the horizon. As more couples split and often after a child or two, the newly freed up mom or dad hooks up with that new ‘soul mate.’ Bingo, there’s a new family and the new spouse may even have children of their own from a previous relationship.

How do I know? I’m reminded of a question I was asked when I spoke to a Rotary Club not long ago. “What prepared you to write your book?” My answer: “I lived it.”

Back in the day, circa 1981, I met Louisa H. Harrison. She’s been Louisa H. Coons since June 18, 1983 and on that day, my three children and her two children, blended into this new family. Oh, by the way…on the fateful day, they were ages 8, 9, 10, 11 and 12.

We’re all the better for it now. And if you read through what I call ‘Tales of the dark side’ (AKA “You Used To Live In My House”) you’ll eventually get to the happiness we enjoy today. Being in a blended family doesn’t have to make any or all of the participants crazy. I’ve only scratched the surface of how I, and sometimes we, went about it the wrong way. If you get to know us we should give you hope.

R. Perry Coons
http://www.youusedtoliveinmyhouse.com

R. Perry Coons has thrown the door wide open with his narrative of the first 25 years of his relationship journey with his wife and family. He says, “If you get to know us, we should give you hope.”

His background is varied, as witnessed by the many personal and professional experiences he shares with his readers…husband, father, grandfather, runner and former radio dj, award winning shopping center marketing director, special events coordinator, entertainment manager, Realtor and self-described coffee achiever. He holds a copyright on a manuscript titled “Surrel Estate” and is working on a novel about a radio dj in the late 60′s. His working title is “Record Player.” Perry lives in Denver, Colorado with his wife Lousia and their Australian Cattle Dog.

There are many warning signs of an affair in a marriage and if you suspect that your spouse is being unfaithful, you’ll want proof. People embroiled in adulterous affairs often think they are too clever to be caught, but everyone lets things slip at some point. If you are married to someone who you think may have taken on a lover outside of your marriage, look for these signals that indicate that they are no longer being faithful to you.

One of the most obvious signs of an affair is a change in intimacy within the marriage. At first thought you may believe that someone who is cheating is going to want to be intimate less often. That’s actually not always the case. In fact, many men and women who are sleeping with someone else will actually want to make love more often with their spouse. This may be to overcompensate for the guilt they are feeling. If your spouse’s interest in sex with you has changed, that’s a sign that something else may be at play within your marriage.

The most common form of communication these days is the cell phone. If you suspect that your spouse isn’t being faithful pay special attention to their cell phone behavior. It’s much safer, in the eyes of the adulterer, to have their lover call their cell. Therefore one of the signs of an affair in your marriage is how your spouse handles those calls. If they repeatedly excuse themselves to use the phone, they are having conversations they don’t want you to hear. Also pay more attention at how often they simply ignore calls. If it’s happening often chances are good that it’s their lover calling and since you are present your spouse obviously can’t take that call.

It’s often hard to know whether your spouse is indeed committing adultery. Many people can have a long term affair without anyone suspecting a thing. In fact, sixty percent of married men and forty percent of married women will be unfaithful. For telltale signs of a cheating spouse, and how to get irrefutable and undeniable proof of the affair within moments visit this helpful site.

Although the aftermath of finding out whether or not your spouse is cheating can be devastating, it’s much better to know. You owe it to yourself and your children to know the truth.

Are you and your spouse worried about what’s happening with your savings, your pension, your children’s college funds, or just staying employed? The Dow Jones is under 10,000 and European banks sound as shaky as the US banks. Do you find yourself fearful of your futures together? Do you find yourselves disagreeing with your partner about how to weather this financial meltdown? Do you find yourselves arguing because one of you makes more money and feels like they have more control over how money is spent? When money gets tight as a result of reduced income or increased mortgage payments and is combined with financial fears of the future, those old money arguments (my money vs. your money) may be causing you problems again. It is time for the two of you to have discussions again about money.

In his book Love & Money, Jeff Opdyke says: “It’s not really about the money. It’s about creating another level of intimacy in your relationship and bestowing trust on each other.” He further recommends joint accounts for couples which explicitly demonstrates the trust you have with your spouse.

When we keep secrets from our spouse about how much we make, how we spend money, or even how much money we have, this indicates a measure of distrust in the other person. When times are tough like now, you need to trust and have faith in your legal and romantic partner. All your money and all your debts are consider joint by the state. If you are not considering them joint, you are losing out. You lose resources that your partner brings to solving financial problems. You lose a feeling of honesty about yourself. And you lose some ability to manage your family finances in the best way possible.

If the two of you are not quite ready to combine your accounts, at least try to agree on and be committed to the following:

1. Agree to live within your means, so that expenses do not exceed your income.

2. Agree to open, honest communication about money.

3. Promise not to blame one another, judge each other, or keep secrets about money.

4. Be prepared to listen to your partner and understand their perspective.

You both need to be fully aware of the family gross and net income, to know where household (and individual) money goes each month and to know how much debt you have and the interest costs you are paying.

If you are unable to have a frank and open discussion about your money with your spouse, you may benefit from seeing a marriage counselor. The National Registry of Marriage Friendly Therapists (www.marriagefriendlytherapist.com) is a good resource for finding a therapist who is invested in helping you save your marriage. If you are unable to curb your spending, you might consider Debtors Anonymous, an organization for people trying to reduce debt and regain solvency. If you need a housing counselor or help with your mortgage, go to the web site of the US Department of Housing and Urban Development (www.hud.gov) and click on the Hope for Homeowners link.

It’s important to realize you are not alone. Many couples and families are struggling. Don’t let your marriage be a casualty of the worst financial disaster most of us have ever seen. You and your spouse are in this together. Get the help you need to keep your marriage stable and safe.

If you decide that you might need marriage counseling, check out my website, http://www.PamLipe.com My specialty is marriage and relationship counseling. For 20 years, I have been helping couples find the love and support they want in their marriages. My therapy practice serves the metropolitan area of Minneapolis/St.Paul, MN.

If you’ve found this article, I have to assume that you either strongly suspect or know for sure that your spouse has had an affair. I know from experience that in all likelihood you’re experiencing a slew of overwhelming feelings (likely none of them positive) like betrayal, shock, severe hurt, and intense pain. You may also blame yourself, wonder how you could have been so naive, or blame your spouse entirely for his or her actions.  Every single one of these questions and responses are perfectly natural and normal.  You’ve been dealt a harsh blow and there is no right or wrong answer. The days following learning about an affair can go by in a daze or the blink of an eye and it’s easy to feel overwhelmed or lost.  This article will provide tips and prompts to help you deal with these feelings and sort out / deal with the affair.

Don’t Blame Yourself, Beat Yourself Up Or Second Guess Yourself: Until an affair actually happened to me, I used to wonder how in the world a wife could blame herself for a husband’s affair.  I just did not get that at all.  But then, in the days after my husband’s affair (once my shock and rage at him wore off) I started to wonder where in the world I went wrong. How could I be so stupid? Was I not exciting enough? Pretty enough? Sexy enough? A good enough wife and mother? Did I not meet his needs or give him what he needed to be happy? Did he have to go elsewhere for excitement or satisfaction?

I have a friend who kind of went through this same sort of thing but in the opposite realm. When she found out about her husband’s affair – she completed overcompensated. She wanted this thing fixed immediately so she sucked it up and put all of the blame squarely on her shoulders and made drastic changes to herself and her bedroom.  The “crises mode” of the situation actually created a spark between her and her husband. Then, she hated herself because she felt that she was a “door mat” for just wanting her husband back. She asked herself where was her self respect? How could she allow him to do this? So she felt negatively about herself just as I did and her self esteem was hit as hard as mine was, but for different reasons.

Both of these reactions cause all sorts of internal bad feelings that doesn’t help you heal at all. Although these feelings are so perfectly normal and understandable it’s important to understand that no matter what you did or didn’t do – the affair is not your fault. It just is not.  Your spouse is the one who made the decision to be unfaithful.  Whether he / she is going through a mid life crises or he / she thinks their needs are not being met or he’s / she’s having self esteem issues, how they chose to deal with these problems was a decision that THEY made.

There are many spouses with issues who chose not to cheat but to instead communicate and work with their wives and husbands to work through these issues.

When You Are Ready, Evaluate And Understand Exactly Why The Infidelity Happened And Your Feelings On What You Want To Happen Now: I will always maintain that a spouse who cheats is the guilty party.  However, each marriage has certain factors that can sometimes contribute to infidelity.  This is not always the case. Sometimes it’s a simple self esteem issue or stress manifesting itself, but sometimes there can be issues in a marriage or communication style that contributes to infidelity. 

Whether you want to save the marriage or not, it can be helpful to hear (when you are calm and ready) just exactly why the infidelity happened.  However, you don’t have to take these reasons for face value.  Really listen to what your spouse is saying and honestly evaluate if these issues they’re bringing up have any merit or are valid. 

Sometimes, a spouse will just make excuses or refuse to take responsibility, but sometimes, you will actually get the truth as painful as it may be.  In my own case, my husband was not feeling heard in a highly stressful situation.  At first I thought this was all just a silly excuse, but when I evaluated more honestly and closely, I had to admit there was a few slivers of truth there.

What you chose to do with this information is completely up to you.  If you don’t want to save the marriage, at least it is a learning experience that you may revisit later in a future relationship.  If you do want to save the marriage, this information will be invaluable for you in the future so that you can address these things to make the marriage stronger and ensure the infidelity doesn’t reoccur.

Now, it’s important that you really take some honest time on your own when you can be calm and reflective (this may take time) to determine what you really want.  It may be that your spouse has been a good one up until this point and you still love him or her and ultimately want to save the marriage. Or, it may be that a pattern of betrayal and dishonestly is emerging that is a deal breaker for you.  Either answer is valid and OK.

Define what is your best case scenario that, if you could achieve it, would help you heal. For some, this is to just pick up and move on by yourself, without letting this one event ruin the rest of your life.  For some, it’s to get the marriage back to a loving and trusting place. Whatever your “best case scenario” is, always promise yourself that you will keep this in mind from this point forward.

Because if ultimately you want to save your marriage, then it doesn’t make sense to continue to lash out at your spouse and continue to punish them months and months after they’ve said they’re sorry or allow an unhealthy obsession with everything having to do with the affair (or the other woman) to continue to sabotage your marriage and your happiness. If being happily married and at peace again is really your goal, try your best not to engage in behaviors that are going to keep this from happening (while still being true to yourself.)

Don’t Hesitate To Get Help To Deal With The Infidelity If You Need It: An affair can be heavy burden on the party who was cheated on. Your self esteem is likely going to take a huge hit. Although it may feel weird to do so, take this time to focus on yourself and your extreme self care.  See friends. Pursue those things you love.  Do what makes you happy.  This will make you feel better and will show both you and your spouse that you have enough self respect that this isn’t going to beat you. 

You may ultimately need some to help with your healing and with dealing with the infidelity.  In my own experience, although I wanted to save my marriage and to forgive my husband, I was stuck.  I would feel forgiving toward him one second and rage at him the next.  He was patient with me and I was trying to be patient with him, but we couldn’t move forward. 

It’s normal to have difficulty in the early days after learning about the affair, but if you get stuck and can’t move past it, don’t hesitate to get the help you need. There is no shame in it.  Ultimately, I needed out side resources to get me out of this cycle that was just holding me back.  Once I had this, I was able to slowly move forward and today, although it took some work and effort, I can honestly say it hasn’t beaten me in the least.

Dealing with the infidelity in my marriage was very difficult for a time. With a lot hard work and effort, our marriage and my self esteem recovered. I now know myself, my husband and my marriage much more intimately. I no longer worry that he is going to cheat again. You can read my very personal story on my blog at http://saving-my-marriage-after-the-affair.blogspot.com/