Is your husband retiring? If he is, you are probably noticing that his company may only be concerned with how his life will be affected by this milestone event. I’ve had clients tell me that their husbands’ companies set him up with retirement coaches, therapists, financial planners, and even fitness/nutrition experts, but no one offered guidance or support for what was about to happen to her.
I’ve also heard more than once from a high achieving spouse that the year after her husband retired was the most stressful year of their marriage, and that they barely made it through without divorcing. Consider how a high achieving career sets up this disaster:
1. He has worked 80 hours a week for years, or has spent so much time in the corporate jet flying all over the world, that his best – and often only- real friend is you.
2. His identity is completely attached to his career, and when that’s gone, he’ll start a Venture Capital group, or join one with other displaced retirees, but he’s out of the game now and has no compelling value in the marketplace. That value is what he’s been basing his self-worth on for years.
3. He may have been tired of working and he says he wants to play more golf, but he will struggle with how to replace the drive that was provided by his career. Once he’s no longer urgently needed, why get up in the morning?
You, on the other hand, might have complained about his absence in the earlier, busier years of your marriage. Now that the house is relatively empty and you’ve created your own life and schedule, this change may turn your world upside down. Consider the following:
1. Have you been thinking about or have you already started a new business venture or college degree now that the kids are gone? What happens to your own career when he wants to take off and see the world?
2. Are you used to setting your own schedule? Now that he’s home, he’ll want to be included more than before. If he has no idea what to do with himself, or has lost most of his social connections over the years, he may rely on you more than ever to help him fill his days.
3. Unless you’ve both been crystal clear about your “support” activities in your relationship, he may turn to you for fulfilling those administrative duties that a company admin once performed. Are you prepared to set boundaries – daily, if necessary – without conflict until the two of you figure this out?
Navigating this transition can be difficult, but it can be fatal if good communication skills and clear thinking aren’t incorporated into the mix. Here are some conversation starters for the two of you before the day comes:
1. Discuss how you both imagine you’ll be spending your time right after his retirement, and then again, a year from that day. Part of the difficulty of transitions is that these changes aren’t consciously thought through or even shared.
2. Be open and curious, not defensive. Look at the issue apart from the two of you. Discuss it collaboratively. “Hmmmm. This is a little scary, isn’t it? How are we going to work through this transition?”
3. Both of you should make direct requests of each other to support things you anticipate you’ll need, and continue to do so to keep the air clear. You may want to request that he takes over part of the duties you’ve been shouldering while he’s been working outside of the home. Whatever requests you have, make sure they are specific and measure. Otherwise, resentments will build from different viewpoints of what those requests look like.
4. If you’ve been spending money in ways he isn” aware of, or you’ve participated in activities that he’s never really paid attention to, now is the time to lay it all out on the table. Your privacy is about to change considerably – make it a proactive disclosure. It doesn’t have to be confrontational. You don’t have to agree to something you think is unreasonable. If you’re used to giving in when you have an argument, now is a great time to shift that behavior. Seek support if you need help in navigating that transition.
5. Remember that this can be a wonderful opportunity to develop a new phase of your relationship. Find ways to share interests that you’ve never had the time to share before. Use this declaration of retirement to retire from some of your own duties, too. Look carefully at your own life. Are there activities you could put aside and give yourself permission to relax a little?
Whatever the outcome, transitions are the result of choices made, either by you or by arbitrary circumstances. If you don’t consciously make those choices, the results won’t be nearly as enjoyable.
Carol Setters is a consultant to high-level achievers and their partners. An expert on how the dynamics of how success affect relationships and personal identities, she can be contacted through her website at http://www.CarolSetters.com – Her upcoming book “Loving a High Achiever” with Dr. Jim Kochalka provides examples and suggestions to overcoming the unique challenges of a high achieving relationship.