I saw a look of resignation on my friend’s face as she said, “I don’t think I’m cut out to be a step mother.” There was a combination of sadness, frustration and resignation. She’d been married to her new husband for almost two years. The struggles started before their marriage, as it usually does when two people, with children from previous marriages decide to “blend families.” After all this time she saw no end in sight.

My friend has two daughters from her previous marriage. Her new husband has two daughters from his previous marriage…and a former wife who appeared to be determined to make things difficult. My friend has a former husband who lives out of state with his new family.

The four girls were all close in age and could possibly have been friends if they met at school, weren’t step siblings and didn’t have parents pulling at them.

Often, we the parents just need to get out of the way. Blended family issues can be resolved sooner and without causing added pain to the children if we allow space and time to work things out. I know from my own first hand meddling. I’ve detailed in my book, “You Used To Live In My House.”

My kids…back when they were kids, when my wife Louisa and I were newlyweds, didn’t need a new mom. Their mother was alive and well. Louisa didn’t want to be their mom. She knew her role and would have been happy to be a step mother. We all moved from Virginia to Colorado together so I thought she should be their new mom. All this while my kids really hadn’t given up hope that their mother and I might some how reconcile. We’d been apart for four years by then and each of the adults knew that wasn’t going to happen.

While I was living in Colorado my kids return to Virginia and to their mother,

I didn’t know what she was saying to them, about me. I didn’t learn that until three years later when they moved to Colorado. By then new roles weren’t so new and were accepted pretty easily. All the while, I knew that Louisa never criticized her sons’ father, even though he’d been virtually absent from their lives for several years.

Eleven years later Louisa received a Happy Step Mom Day card from Kelly on Mother’s Day. All of the ‘kids’ openly express their love for each of us these days, and have for some time. They all get along well with each other.

I can speak for myself and I believe it applies to many step parents, we are so determined that everyone will get a long and like each other immediately, that we make things more difficult than they need to be. Affection and assimilation cannot be forced upon our children. They have to find their own way and all we have to do is get out of the way.

Kids are resilient. I’ll over simplify it with an example of how they overcome the tales of an Easter Bunny and Santa Claus at very impressionable ages. If and when they see the new step parents showing affection and compromise it will be easier for them to move forward with their own feelings.

A friend of ours, Donna Lopez, provided the following testimonial to my book:

“After reading the book, “You Used To Live In My House” I began to think differently of blended families. I realized that it took much more love and faith and work that I ever imagined to sustain one household. I began to appreciate all those families around me that I once took for granted. This book allows us to see this family with such truth and pain and laughter! A recommended read!”

Obviously that’s flattering and I appreciate Donna’s comments. Her comments remain timely.

Don’t look now, but there are increasing numbers of blended families on the horizon. As more couples split and often after a child or two, the newly freed up mom or dad hooks up with that new ‘soul mate.’ Bingo, there’s a new family and the new spouse may even have children of their own from a previous relationship.

How do I know? I’m reminded of a question I was asked when I spoke to a Rotary Club not long ago. “What prepared you to write your book?” My answer: “I lived it.”

Back in the day, circa 1981, I met Louisa H. Harrison. She’s been Louisa H. Coons since June 18, 1983 and on that day, my three children and her two children, blended into this new family. Oh, by the way…on the fateful day, they were ages 8, 9, 10, 11 and 12.

We’re all the better for it now. And if you read through what I call ‘Tales of the dark side’ (AKA “You Used To Live In My House”) you’ll eventually get to the happiness we enjoy today. Being in a blended family doesn’t have to make any or all of the participants crazy. I’ve only scratched the surface of how I, and sometimes we, went about it the wrong way. If you get to know us we should give you hope.

R. Perry Coons
http://www.youusedtoliveinmyhouse.com

R. Perry Coons has thrown the door wide open with his narrative of the first 25 years of his relationship journey with his wife and family. He says, “If you get to know us, we should give you hope.”

His background is varied, as witnessed by the many personal and professional experiences he shares with his readers…husband, father, grandfather, runner and former radio dj, award winning shopping center marketing director, special events coordinator, entertainment manager, Realtor and self-described coffee achiever. He holds a copyright on a manuscript titled “Surrel Estate” and is working on a novel about a radio dj in the late 60′s. His working title is “Record Player.” Perry lives in Denver, Colorado with his wife Lousia and their Australian Cattle Dog.

Are you and your spouse worried about what’s happening with your savings, your pension, your children’s college funds, or just staying employed? The Dow Jones is under 10,000 and European banks sound as shaky as the US banks. Do you find yourself fearful of your futures together? Do you find yourselves disagreeing with your partner about how to weather this financial meltdown? Do you find yourselves arguing because one of you makes more money and feels like they have more control over how money is spent? When money gets tight as a result of reduced income or increased mortgage payments and is combined with financial fears of the future, those old money arguments (my money vs. your money) may be causing you problems again. It is time for the two of you to have discussions again about money.

In his book Love & Money, Jeff Opdyke says: “It’s not really about the money. It’s about creating another level of intimacy in your relationship and bestowing trust on each other.” He further recommends joint accounts for couples which explicitly demonstrates the trust you have with your spouse.

When we keep secrets from our spouse about how much we make, how we spend money, or even how much money we have, this indicates a measure of distrust in the other person. When times are tough like now, you need to trust and have faith in your legal and romantic partner. All your money and all your debts are consider joint by the state. If you are not considering them joint, you are losing out. You lose resources that your partner brings to solving financial problems. You lose a feeling of honesty about yourself. And you lose some ability to manage your family finances in the best way possible.

If the two of you are not quite ready to combine your accounts, at least try to agree on and be committed to the following:

1. Agree to live within your means, so that expenses do not exceed your income.

2. Agree to open, honest communication about money.

3. Promise not to blame one another, judge each other, or keep secrets about money.

4. Be prepared to listen to your partner and understand their perspective.

You both need to be fully aware of the family gross and net income, to know where household (and individual) money goes each month and to know how much debt you have and the interest costs you are paying.

If you are unable to have a frank and open discussion about your money with your spouse, you may benefit from seeing a marriage counselor. The National Registry of Marriage Friendly Therapists (www.marriagefriendlytherapist.com) is a good resource for finding a therapist who is invested in helping you save your marriage. If you are unable to curb your spending, you might consider Debtors Anonymous, an organization for people trying to reduce debt and regain solvency. If you need a housing counselor or help with your mortgage, go to the web site of the US Department of Housing and Urban Development (www.hud.gov) and click on the Hope for Homeowners link.

It’s important to realize you are not alone. Many couples and families are struggling. Don’t let your marriage be a casualty of the worst financial disaster most of us have ever seen. You and your spouse are in this together. Get the help you need to keep your marriage stable and safe.

If you decide that you might need marriage counseling, check out my website, http://www.PamLipe.com My specialty is marriage and relationship counseling. For 20 years, I have been helping couples find the love and support they want in their marriages. My therapy practice serves the metropolitan area of Minneapolis/St.Paul, MN.