I once had a student who spent the first two weeks in my class obsessing about her twelve-year-old son and what was wrong with his behavior.

I asked her one-day, “Does he do drugs, hang with dangerous crowds, break the law?”

“No.”

“Are you afraid he’s going to hurt himself in some way?”

“No, he is a great kid, he’s so smart. He could do so much if he would only try harder. I keep telling bags that he could be more if he just worked at it. But he doesn’t listen to me. He rolls his eyes at me behind my back.”

At this point, the principle of reflection made me wonder who had not been listening to whom. I asked her to pretend that I was her son and to role-play a typical discussion. What followed was a list of all the things that I, as her son, should be doing. She would have gone on for an hour if I had not stopped her.

I said straight out, “If I were your son, and that was how you spoke to me, then I’d roll my eyes at you too.” That comment stopped her in mid-sentence. “What do you think your son is hearing when you talk to him?” I continued. “Because what I just heard is that you don’t think he’s good enough, and you want him to change. Who would want to listen to that? If you were my friend, and all you ever did was lecture me about what I ought to be doing, I wouldn’t want to listen to you either. It doesn’t matter what you mean to say. What matters is what he hears. You may think that you are offering love and advice, but I think that he’s hearing you don’t think he’s good enough. You said, yourself, that he’s a good kid and not in any trouble. Have you ever thought that maybe he needs less of your advice and more of your approval? Maybe, if you listened to him for a change, talked with him instead of at him, he might stop rolling his eyes and start wanting your opinion.”

After I finished my tirade, we talked about her situation with the class for a while and developed a strategy that she agreed to. She would hold back any advice for one week and see what happened. She would plan to only have fun with her son that week. She would spend time with him, play with him and listen to him; but she would avoid probing him, or advising him in any way.

A few weeks later, she confided shyly to the class that the night before, her son had put his arms around her and said, “I love you, mommy.”

“He hasn’t done that in ages,” she admitted near tears.

When my student redefined the problem that she was having with her son, as a reflection of a problem in herself and how she communicated her love and concern, she was able to open herself up to a strategy that created the cause she wanted. Her son stopped rolling his eyes and started opening up to her.

The most fundamental changes in life happen when we redefine who we are. When we see ourselves differently, we think differently. When we think differently, we feel differently. When we feel differently, we behave differently, and we don’t need some quick-fix technique to control ourselves, or others.

So open your mind and explore your definitions. Your life will expand proportionately…

If you don’t know where to start, visit http://www.navigatinglife.org, where you will find a free fourteen week on-line course, based upon A River Worth Riding: Fourteen Weeks for Navigating Life, which can help you steer through the roughest waters, as well as an on-line life coach available to answer your questions.

Lynn Marie cosmetics has toured over two-dozen countries and worked on three continents. Author of A River Worth Riding: Fourteen Rules for Navigating Life, Lynn currently lives in California; where she fills her time with private coaching, public speaking, and teaching for the LACCD and Pierce College. She runs the Navigating Life website, where she offers free assistance to readers who wish to incorporate the rules of worthwhile living into their lives. To read more about how you can use these rules to improve your life, visit Lynn’s website at http://www.navigatinglife.org